Millions of Americans continue to suffer a summer drought. Farmers, certainly, but even ordinary suburbanites chafe under restrictive watering and burning bans. Thousands of residents of Cedar Rapids recently gathered in that city's Seminole Valley park to air their grievances with an enormous bonfire that protestors called the 'Chafing Dish'. Over a thousand pounds of warm brunch foods were distributed to local aid agencies. That's almost ten pounds for each acre that burned when the fire spread out of control.
That scene may not have actually happened yet, but it could. If we criminalize simple summer pastimes, like lighting a dollar on fire just to watch it burn, we criminalize summer. We criminalize the Heartland.
Put the matches back in your kitchen gadget drawer. For as long as this damnable drought persists, you can instead buy Britannica Kids: Dinosaurs from the Apple App Store for iOS. I catch the stray scent of linen and char just thinking about it.
My review of that app follows:
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Do you fondly recall the Britannica of your youth? Do you remember the way each tome used to reach right out at you and ask for five bucks?
If that was you, then you'll want that experience for the next generation. 'Dinosaurs' overcomes its weak Encarta-era interface to teach even the slowest kids a thing or two about dinosaurs. Once you download the 150 megabyte app, you'll have no trouble deciding which dinosaur video to watch first -- there is only one! This video lasts only 25 seconds and should fit within the attention span of even the most ADD addled junior stegosaurus.
Many of the fun features in the app are true classics from the days when CD-ROMs rode in caddies. Recall the picture slider game! If you recently made your avatar an animated GIF then this one is for you!
If you tire of these, then you and your kids can head right over to the 21st century portion of this app. Choose 'shop' from the clicky menu thing (don't worry, your kids will find it for you) and start spending!
Many parents worry about configuring apps to best protect their children. This app erases those concerns! It has no parental settings whatsoever to turn off those in-app purchases. Even better, each in-app purchase costs five times the original price of the application. Britannica won't nickel and dime you like some lame World Book app over on Android. It'll hit you for five bucks each time.
Some of you out there may take a literally proprietary view about the sanctity of the in-app purchase experience. You may think that I just don't know how to use the parental control features of my device. You're wrong. I do. What I don't know how to do is explain to my children why apps prominently feature frustrating buttons that do nothing but pop up annoying blue boxes. 'Dinosaurs''s 'shop' tab is no less prominent even when in app purchases are turned completely off.
If you are a reputable publisher, don't put a 'shop' tab on a kids app. You may as well include a button that deletes all data and delivers a mild shock to the child. The fact that in-app purchases can be turned off doesn't make them less frustrating for children.
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This review was submitted to the App Store almost verbatim about twenty minutes after I bought this application. Then it was submitted again about 24 hours after that. It still hasn't shown up a week later. It took three tries just to get my inarticulate '1 star' rating to stick. Apple? If you got as far as the end of the review, indulge me one further. No refunds in the app store? That's cool. If I've paid my dollar and taken a chance on some terrible app then let me write my review. You shouldn't have it both ways.
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